Lost
2004-09-14, 1:17 p.m.

I just got off the phone from speaking with Dawn. Talk about difficult conversations! It sort of reminded me of when I went to my Ex-Dentist and he pulled a tooth that was capped and which he thought was loose, but wasn't. He pulled so hard, that his knee was on my chest!

Yeah, my conversations with her lately are just like that long ago visit to the Dentist.

For a long time now I have avoided writing about her in here. Now, I could give a flying fuck if she comes in and reads what I write.

Yesterday I wrote of Vinny emerging from his box....if only Dawn would!

My heart has hardened towards her. I'm not saying I don't love her, I'm only saying my heart can no longer expand and fill with more love for her. What love I had for her before and during her visit to my brother, is all that there is for her.

I love my Grandchildren dearly, but she will not hold them emotionally hostage to me anymore!

I call her regularly to inquire of the children and ask for her to bring them by when she wants. I no longer beg and cry. Sometimes 2 weeks or more will pass before I see them.

Her birthday was the 11th of this month. When she asked me to get her the summer clothes in August or late July...she's said since I bought her so much clothing she would consider it her gift.

I can't do that....I wanted to get her the cheesecake she loves, but she was quite animate about not wanting it. I wanted to bake her lasagna, but also knew she'd not want me making that either....she's on some type of starvation diet and is begining to look old and worn from it.

So instead Maelen and I went shopping and I bought her some clothes.

I went to the house to drop it off. I knocked at the door with their door knocker. Robert came to the door and said I woke Kaden. I apologized and handed him Dawn's gift wrapped box. He just stood at the door, with it partly open...with no intent of an invite in. He told me to give Dawn the gift to her myself.

Maelen and I stood on their front porch like unwanted bible saleswomen! I then inquired if Kitana was home...he said no, I asked how Kaden was? He said since I woke him up I could go up and get him.

I did.

Dawn came home during that time. I gave her the gift. She took it and said -oh, you really shouldn't have....and it wasn't just a trite thing to say...she really meant it.

She opened it....the whole time we just stood in the foyer...and she said thanks. We then left.

When Maelen and I got to the car, she said to me -your daughter doesn't love you does she? She then said -she didn't even give you a hug or a kiss. I had always wished I had a mother like you and now God has given me my wish by giving you to me.

Normally I would have been sad about Dawn's reaction to whatever good I try doing for her. But, that day, nothing! I wasn't hurt, disappointed....just NOTHING

Sometimes when she brings the children over to visit and she then comes back to pick them up...she won't even bother telling me she is leaving with them so that I can give them their hugs and kisses. That doesn't even bother me anymore.

What I fear, and I have expressed this already to Wifey, is that I am afraid I'll eventually forget what it's like to love her at all.

Wondering - 2008-10-26

emailing - 2007-06-11

Little This & Little That - 2007-03-23

SHOE - 2006-12-12

VINNY AND KNARLES - 2006-12-09

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