Maybe I Am My Mother
2004-10-07, 2:16 p.m.

When mom called yesterday, she asked if I have heard from Wayne.
I lied and said no, I'm feeling guilt for lying and for giving the wrong impression of how Wayne feels about her children.
When I said no, she had a sneer in her voice and said -I suppose he has washed his hands of all you kids then.
I knew it was a dig at me, because Wayne and I have always been close. Not at the beginning....till he came, we were wild feral kids and didn't take to NO MAN telling us what to do. But over time we learned to respect each other and to love each other. He is and will always be my Dad.
Blood is sometimes not thicker than water.
To bad we can't pick our parents.
Over the years, I've encountered many wonderful and wise people. I have picked the strongest things of each that I admired and tried to encompass those things into my own style.
Wayne is one that I saw many things about over the years that I have admired and have used in my own family building.
I love my daughter and miss her so much. I'm such a hot head and so quickly able to fly off the handle when it comes to her.
Matty can calm me with his rationale and calm ways...Vin, we just give each other space....but Dawn, she's so damn calm on the exterior. Its not the same calm I get from Matty. Dawn is condemning and judgemental with her silence and that sends me sailing. I'll lash out and say what ever it is I feel will hurt and crush. I'll use even my daughter's weaknesses against her. I'm not proud of that by any means. I'm a shitty mom to her and wished I could rip my tongue out.
In many ways, I see my mother through me and the way I am with Dawn.
Maybe I am my mother.

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