Beware of Malice
2005-02-01, 8:55 p.m.

I think I cursed myself.
When my last Ex died of stomach cancer, I was sort of satisfied, although that isn't the proper word of feeling, but as close as I can come to putting a label on the feeling. What I felt was more akin to, -see, thats what God did to you for being such a Jackass.
One thing in life I always try never doing is taking pleasure in someone elses misfortune, no matter how much I disliked them. But for Paul, I did and even thanked God.
That was so wrong, and I have had much guilt over it for several years now. But, while I'd have those pangs of guilt, I'd look at my Matty and pride and love would over-ride that guilt of pleasure of having that sorry ass Bastard dead.
Matty is the most wonderful young man to grace this earth and it pisses me off that Paul was able to intimidate me as bad as he did.
Its hard to believe that God graced me with such a wonderful child when you consider the wildness of Paul and I.
Anyways, I think God is getting to me for gloating over Paul's stomach cancer.
Just when I thought I was feeling all normal, I've taken to vomitting up blood again and lots of it.
So remember, never ever make fun of anyone when you have malice in your heart.

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