Fighting is only a negative way to obtain change
2004-06-15, 12:10 a.m.

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Two President's Day ago, while I was out shoveling 30 inches of snow, coughing up my lungs, sweating and taking many cigerette breaks, marveling at the beauty of the snow. Here was the entry, I was surprised I didn't even mention the phone call. I must have been to shocked and embarrassed.

Anyways, I get a phone call from my Sister and she said Joey was pissed off at me. I was jacked and told her I haven't the slightest idea what he's mad about, that I had explained to him that I didn't tell anyone about what he had done to you when you were younger.

Ah, I knew I wrote a little about it!

I alluded to some of what Joey said to me, but not all. Joey got himself into a panic a few years ago, thinking that I told his friends and our step-brother about his sexually molesting our little sister.

Brenda had written a letter to me about 18 years ago, vomitting out the story to me. She felt tremedous guilt about it, because she felt that she had somehow allowed it to occur. She said she was so scared and lonely when I left home at the age of 14; she was 7 years old.

Mom still continued with her drinking and running around after work, not coming home till the wee hours of the morning. Brenda was scared, she was just a little girl. She was my baby from birth. I was the one who'd get up and fix her bottle in the middle of the night and change her diaper because Mom would be hung over or passed out.

After I left, she would ask Joey to sleep with........

During that conversation with Joey in which I linked, he accused me of sexually molesting him.

I was sick to my stomach when he said that. I just came undone. I didn't know how to vomit out what he told me. I was too shamed to place it in my diary. Even Sharon, who I love and trust so much, I just couldn't tell her. I did eventually, but it slipped out and after the moment of shame, I felt so much better for releasing it.

But that was like 9 months after Joey accused me!

I called Dawn up and told her. I really needed to purge it from me. I then dug through my closet and found the letter that Brenda had sent me years before. I told Tim and gave him the letter to read.

In my heart and soul, the only thing that makes sense to me with the accusation is that Joey is on lots of medicine for pain and that he may also be redirecting the sin my way. I don't know, all I know is it isn't true.

I had called Mom up and went ape shit about Joey accusing me of that and how he's fucked up in the head, that he's mixing his actions up and making himself seem the victim.

She just dry sobbed and said I don't know what to say Barbie. I told her I hated him and never ever wanted to run into him EVER.

When I went up the other day, we were outside at the fruit trees and I asked her if she called Joey up? She said she didn't, I then said to her, see how you are with me? You have always dismissed my feelings! She justed sighed and so did I. What is the use in fighting? Fighting is only a negative way to obtain change and change is never going to happen.

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