JUST......
2006-09-19, 9:28 a.m.

THIS IS ANOTHER THING I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT.....YOU DEAR DIARY.

IN SOME WAYS IT'S GOOD THAT SOME THINGS HAVEN'T CHANGED ABOUT ME....PARANOIA AND GUILT. I WONDER IF THEY AREN'T ONE OF THE SAME THINGS. IF THEY AREN'T, THEN I CAN VISUALIZE IT AS LOOKING LIKE THOSE DOG TREATS THAT ARE LIKE LICORICE TWISTS WITH BEEF AND CHEESE ENTWINED TOGETHER.

I'M STILL AT THE PRISON. I'VE NOW COME TO THE REALIZATION THAT I'M UNFIT FOR ANY OTHER TYPE OF PUBLIC OR HUMAN RESOURCE TYPE EMPLOYMENT. NO WHERE CAN YOU TELL SOMEONE TO, "STEP BACK AND GET OUT OF MY FACE". I ALSO FIND THIS TYPE OF EMPLOYMENT ENABLES ME TO SATE MY THRIST FOR UNADULTERATED FERINE SATISFATION.
YIKES, THAT COMMENT SOUNDS WORSE THAN WHAT I MEANT. THAT ALMOST FITS THE PROFILE OF WHAT A CORRECTIONAL OFFICER IS ALL ABOUT, I'M SURE IF SOME OF THE FEMALE OFFICERS I WORK WITH, WOULD STRONGLY DISAGREE AS TO WHY THEY ARE THERE.
I MYSELF REFER TO THOSE TYPES AS 'HUGATHUGS', OR THE 'MOTHER TERESA'S' OF THE SUBCULTURES. YES, WE BOTH SHARE DISDAIN OF EACH OTHER.

MATTY IS BACK AT SHOOL. I DIDN'T REALLY SEE MUCH OF HIM AND WHEN HE DID LEAVE, IT DIDN'T FEEL LIKE A BIG DEAL. BUT COME TIME FOR BEDTIME, I FELT HIS LACK OF PRESENCE WHEN I LOCKED THE DOOR AND TURNED OUT THE PORCH LIGHTS (FLAMIGOS!). IT WAS THEN I FELT HIS LOSS AND CRIED.
THIS YEAR HE ISN'T LIVING IN A DORM, BUT HAS A TOWNHOUSE WITH 3 OTHER GUYS ON CAMPUS. HE SAID IT'S ABOUT 2 MILES FROM THE MAIN CAMPUS, BUT THEY HAVE BUSES RUNNING EVERY 10 MINUTES.
HIS TOWNHOUSE ACCORDING TO HIS SISTER AND BROTHER-IN-LAW ARE NICE, NEVER BEFORE LIVED IN UNIT. EACH UNIT COMES WITH THEIR OWN WASHER/DRYER, CENTRAL AIR, DISHWASHER, 4 BEDROOMS AND 2 FULL BATHROOMS.
I WAS TALKING TO HIM WHILE HE AND HIS ROOMMATES WERE GROCERY SHOPPING. HE WAS ASKING ME FOR DIFFERENT RECIPES AND SAID THAT THEY ALL COOK HUGE AMOUNTS OF FOOD EVERY NIGHT AND EVERY SATURDAY THEY CLEAN THE HOUSE UP.
WOW!

VINNY IS STILL VINNY. HE JUST HAD HIS 11TH BIRTHDAY AT THE END OF LAST MONTH. DUE TO THE HECTIC SCHEDULE OF ALL OF US AT HOME, HIS BIRTHDAY WAS STRETCHED OUT OVER SEVERAL DAYS. THE FIRST DAY WAS BREAKFAST OUT, THE SECOND WAS A MOVIE AND DINNER, THE THRID WAS A CELEBRATION WITH FRIENDS DOING SOMETHING THAT I CAN'T REMEMBER AND THEN LAST WAS CAKE WITH ALL OF US TOGETHER (SISTER, BROTHER, ETC.) AND ALL OF THOSE DAYS INCLUDED GIFTS.
TURNED OUT HE LOVED IT THAT WAY AND PERHAPS WE'LL JUST DO THAT ALWAYS.

I WAS TALKING TO JIM LAST NIGHT. PROBABLY THE FIRST TIME WE HAD REAL-TIME CONVERSATION IN ALMOST A YEAR, AND HE WAS TELLING ME ABOUT DANNA STILL WORKING IN IRAQ.
I TOLD HIM I WAS ENVIOUS OF HER DOING THAT, AND IF I DIDN'T LOVE MY JOB SO MUCH HERE, I'D WANT TO DO THAT ALSO. HE EXPLAINED TO ME THAT WAS DISGUSTING AND THAT IT WAS WAR PROFITEERING.
I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY AND SINCE I HAVE ENOUGH SINS ON MY SOUL, THAT WAS SOMETHING I WASN'T EVEN GOING TO ENTERTAIN EVEN IN THOUGHT.

TIME IS JUST ZIPPING BY AND I FIND MYSELF BEFUDDLED AS TO WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE TIME THAT HAS ALREADY ELAPSED. DAYS, WEEKS, MONTHS ARE NOW SOME OBSCURED MEASURES OF TIME THAT HAVE NO REAL MEANING TO ME. I FIND IT FRUSTRATING TO HAVE TO ACCOUNT MYSELF TO SUCH BOXED TERMS.
I'D RATHER JUST BE.
I JUST WANT TO ENJOY THE MOMENTS AND ONLY ACKNOWLEDGE TIME AS A SEASONAL EMBRACE.

Wondering - 2008-10-26

emailing - 2007-06-11

Little This & Little That - 2007-03-23

SHOE - 2006-12-12

VINNY AND KNARLES - 2006-12-09

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